Thoughts on grief. Casual, coffee convo, obviously.
Most of us have experienced grief outside of a loved one’s passing, in many other aspects.
We feel grief for what we had… and also for what we thought we would or hoped to have (oh, so, we’re all grieving right now?). It shows up in different ways, at different times. It’s in relationships, expectations, and versions of ourselves. There are moments in time we can’t get back. Connections that used to exist, but no longer do. Plans that changed or didn’t turn out how we thought they would.
We don’t always recognise these moments as grief. It is. #lore
How do we process what we’ve lost? What we didn’t get? What we may never experience?
How do we continue to live if grief is everywhere we look? This feels like a trap. Do I have to process grief all of the time, because it’s in me all of the time?
It is not only about what we’ve lost – or what we’ll lose next. It’s also about where we are now.
I’m realising that:
Grief’s like a set of monkey bars.
I picture a small version of myself on some monkey bars. I can smell the woodchips and hear the squeals of the other kids on the playground.
I start with two hands hanging from the first bar. I let go with one hand and grab the next bar. I swing one-handed and grab the next bar.
Constantly letting go to grab the next bar. Right, left, right, left.
Letting go of a loved one, and then a dream that didn’t come true, then another loved one, then an old identity. I look up, and all I see are monkey bars for miles; I can’t see the end.
Do I have the strength to finish? Is there a finish? What’s beneath the monkey bars? What if I just let go?
Can I?
The rest of my life is beneath the monkey bars.
The Earth. My people. Good food (mostly just chocolate chip cookies, oops). My interests.
More experiences. More learning. More love.
There will always be grief.
Whenever we need to, we can acknowledge it. Deal with it, face it, address it.
It can make us stronger. More resilient. More appreciative of what we have now.
The monkey bars will always be there— As will we! Phew!
We can return to them when we need to. Get stronger with every bar. Gain momentum with the swing of our legs, reaching for the next.
And we can also let go.
Feel the ground beneath our velcro light-up Heely’s (a classic!). Feel the weather on our skin, and our calloused hands. Hug the people we love.
And invite them to join us on the monkey bars tomorrow.
It is so exhausting to be self-aware. Not in a normal and grounded way – but in a second-guessing, “why am I like this?”, anxiety-inducing way.
Did I say something stupid?
Did I do the wrong thing?
Do people feel comfortable around me?
Do people even like me?
That’s just where it starts. Next, you might find yourself wondering…
Why do I overanalyze everything I say and do?
Why do I change depending on who I am with?
Do I unintentionally hurt people?
Am I enough?
Am I okay?
So, obviously, the solution is to think about the interaction in a constant loop. (FML).
Your mind starts to search for evidence that it’s true: I obviously annoy people.
You need some confirmation. Definitely validation. Anything to get some relief.
I’m not crazy, right? I feel crazy. What is going on?
Maybe if you just understand why you are this way, explain yourself better, and ask for reassurance, everything will quiet down.
Maybe if you do this, you will receive positive feedback, actually believe it, and move on.
Or, it makes it worse.
If we are being real, it always makes it worse.
Why, though? I know, at first, it was like a hit of dopamine.
This is because the more you search for reassurance, the more you reinforce the idea that there was ever anything wrong with you in the first place.
Read that again.
There is nothing wrong with you. What might actually be happening? (NGL it’s a defense mechanism, but I’ll BRB on that).
For some, these thoughts stem from deep core beliefs that have formed over time, often without our consent or awareness.
It isn’t random. Research shows that the way we feel about ourselves is shaped by experiences, environments, and patterns that have taught us how to see ourselves.
Some examples might look like:
Trauma/ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences). Take a quiz here.
Attachment wounds or fear of abandonment
Social anxiety
Hypervigilience in childhood
Perfectionism or internalized shame
ADHD (associated with emotional dysregulation and increased rumination/overthinking/impulsive patterns) (Hi, same!).
Over time, your brain learns to scan, analyze, and adjust. It is constantly trying to prevent something from going wrong. Rightfully so, if it has before. That’s what your body knows.
What are you afraid of?
If you slow things down, it isn’t usually about the interaction itself.
It’s what the interaction might mean or say about you, who you are. Or even what might happen if our fears come true.
That if you’re not constantly self-aware, you might:
Lose control of your behavior
Hurt someone unknowingly
Be annoying, or unlikable
Be a bad person
And if that’s true…
Maybe people won’t like you. Maybe you will hurt someone. Maybe there is something wrong with you.
Maybe they will leave.
So, our brains won’t allow that to happen. It keeps scanning and analyzing (the defense mechanism)!
That makes sense. Nothing is wrong with you; in fact, it’s doing what it is designed to do (protect you from harm).
Are you ready for what may actually work? Hint: it’s not more reassurance or self-analysis
We have to separate what is fact, and what is interpretation.
You can do this by asking yourself these questions (instead of the “what ifs” above):
Do I have real evidence for the story I’m telling myself? Am I guessing, or do I actually know this to be true?
Am I actually responsible for this? Or am I taking on something that isn’t mine to carry?
Did I do something intentionally harmful? Or am I reacting to how it might have been perceived?
Before returning to the point… if the answer is yes to any of these, that is okay, and that is human. An opportunity to learn. It will happen. You will answer ‘yes’ to these at times; we all make mistakes.
Also, we simply cannot be someone everyone likes. It is not possible to do so authentically.
Let that go.
If the answer is ‘no’ to these, welcome to the club.
That’s it! You are cured. You identified the facts; you are not actually the worst person ever.
……
Still feel anxiety? WTF. Nothing actually went wrong?!
She likes to linger… keep you on guard, focused on the next inevitable interaction.
To any lingering anxiety and overwhelm, I say: You are NOT that special… (you are, just not like you think).
Damn, harsh! But, accurate. Trust – when I realized this, something shifted for me.
Most people are thinking about themselves and their own lives, their own insecurities, their own defenses. They are not replaying everything you said and did. They’re replaying what they said and did. So many relate to us. What a relief.
(I’ll add that if anyone is analyzing your every move that closely, I think that says more about them than it does you – I digress).
You are important. You are loved exactly as you are. It is not at stake or at risk with every interaction in your life.
So, maybe you don’t have to get everything exactly right.
Maybe you don’t have to be perfectly self-aware at all times.
Maybe you don’t have to worry about how you’re being perceived.
This Could Be Nothing... 
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